MAJOR HEADLINES

NewGrounds declares war on Visa / Mastercard!

Governor Declares the state of Delaware a "No Fly Zone"!

By Yendor McGuffin

(The Following article is satire, if you can't tell the difference you are part of the problem!)

A horde of angry, horny teenagers, artists, and balding middle-aged men marched on the state of Delaware this week to the corporate offices of both Visa and Mastercard to demand that both allow for purchases of questionable pornographic content.

"We have the right to fap!" screamed one of the organizers as they proceeded to pull down their jeans and masterbate to a seductive picture of XJ-9, a popular character from the Cartoon Network series 'My Life as a Teenage Robot'. "We want to goon to Jenny in our own households! Drawn by artists that are fairly paid by us!" he screamed as semen erupted from multiple phalluses belonging to the protesters, moaning in ecstasy.

"They've gone to far!" screamed one woman as she visibly schlicked herself, hand hidden under her panties, jeans halfway to the knees as she glanced at a phone playing a pornographic parody of two male twink characters from another cartoon 'Total Drama Island' performing fellatio on each other. "Corporate interests are censoring what common people are paying artists!"

"Its certainly is a detriment to my livelihood" said one artist who identifies himself only as "FootFetishMcTevish" on niche website , drawing on a portable tablet what looks like Jessica Rabbit from the cult animated classic "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" with enlarged rabbit feet stroking a human phallus. "Who died and gave these retards the power to financially censor people like me for just a drawing?"

Just then a commotion erupted as the protestors descended upon what looked like an intern for MasterCard customer service who began screaming as he was tied to a stake, and burned alive nest to an effigy in the shape of MasterCard's CEO, with a paper print-out of an anime character making a seductive face commonly known online as "Aheago" taped to its face as protestors began to chant "We want to cum! We want to cum!".

The majority of these protestors originated as users from website NewGrounds.com (a self described animation and web game website) which since the 90s has been a source of edgy content, art, and video games that sometimes include pornography.) who became enraged as they received news and reports from from fellow internet users on Steam and Itch.io that their favorite pornographic games were suddenly removed due to pressure from Visa and Mastercard, following a media pressure censorship campaign from a Christian organization known as "Collective Shout" (alternatively known as Leather Taste Testers, INC.) based on a land of a former prison colony known as "Australia".

"We like to enforce our beliefs on the mongoloids known as 'gooners'," said one of the group's members as he took a huge lick of a newly assembled Ugg-styled boot in the LTT INC production floor factory. "We believe that everyone should be forced to obey CHRIST our LORD and never be able to access such harmful materials. Think of the children!" he said as he flipped the boot over and licked it's underside. "Hmm... this side sorta tastes like chocolate, would you fancy a lick?"

(For full transparency, the reporter for this story declined to lick the boot, and called the interviewee a gormless git.)

Its not just Video Games. Artistic pornographic content in general recent years since the rise of bootlicking conservatism in both the US and Europe has been under scrutiny. Tumblr for example, banned pornographic content and in some instances Reddit also took action, removing access to pornographic subreddits and deeming them as "Unmoderated". On a government level, some US states and the UK are now enforcing ID checks to prevent anonymous users from being able to access erotic material anonymously, under the pretense of "Protecting Minors".

"It's bullshit" said one protestor as they urinated into the mouth of another protestor (with consent). "This didn't work in the 90s. It won't work now. People are not mindless puppets, they'll find a way to access porn without an ID, and on websites that are shady as fuck."

---

Did you read this entire post? Did you hate it? Good, it means you are a rational human being. It also means you can listen and read other's opinions and form your own. Here is the lowdown: Normal ordinary people are being censored by Visa and Mastercard from being able to purchase erotic video games and artworks simply because some whiny conservative Christians don't like erotic materials because it is against their beliefs and by God they are going to enforce their beliefs on you. Since they cannot get governments to do their bidding because of inconvenient rules such as the 1st amendment in the US constitution (and equivalent laws elsewhere in the world) they have turned to shaming payment processors into turning off the money flow into websites that create (and sometimes hosts) such material.

For Christ sake: These are DRAWINGS and PIXELS. Not real people. Get a grip you goddamn puritans. Learn 2 computer and install your own filters watch your damn kids. No one looked after me and I found hentai at the age of 14. That's MY parent's failing, not the government or society.

"Oh no! Yendor has yet again posted a BAD OPINION on Newgrounds.com! We must hack his phone and his computer and monitor his internet traffic from his router again to teach him a lesson!!!!111one111!!."

Fuck off assholes. Proud to have gooned to Sailor Moon since 199X! (tm)